Governed by Rules

Filed under Relationships

For those who know me, I have oftentimes been referred to as…”special.”  I know it’s my dear friends’ way of finding a politically correct way of telling me that I am indescribably weird.

For those who also know me and for those who don’t.  I have been single for over 10 years.  Sure, I have relationed a few times, but officially single for a very, very, VERY long time.  Wait!  There was a 3-month stint with a wonderful man, but as with references on a job application, anything under six months does not count.  So, I have been single for an extensive amount of time.  Not for lack of options, I just want what I want.  Anyways, I am now in the dating scene, again.

Dating is okay, but we have so many people out here giving relationship advice, and OMG! Relationship advice grow like leaves on pine trees–sometimes one branch has so much advice that it branch falls off the tree and block the entrance to your driveway to home–(a perfect reference considering I had a branch that blocked the driveway for 6 days that I preferred to drive around instead of move).  Here is a list of just a few rules that I have encountered while on this quest of (titled so eloquently by a best friend) Operation Get a Man on Sweet Danni J!.

Rule 1.  No house meet and greet on first dates

I have several takes on this rule.  Now, I have one friend who says this rule is a must because if he doesn’t want to pay for dinner, he is not worth keeping around, and he will never take you out.  The other friend says that if you make it to a house–so close to bed so soon–everything else is irrelevant.

I feel that I care less about the proximity between my feet and a bed, or a couch, or a counter in a kitchen for that matter–NOTHING will happen unless I want it to happen.  If you think it is THAT easy to get me, that was your first mistake.  P.S.  Let’s not forget that, (yet another rule) within the first 10 minutes of dating, I already know what category I want to put you in, (sometimes you may be in multiple) but–nonetheless, I ALREADY know where you are going, and THIS may be MY test to determine if you remain in a category.  I may ask myself-he seems sweet and all in a public facility, but is he a gentleman behind closed doors, or will he become my jump drive for when I need to download data.

Rule 2:  Follow the flow–Never ask too soon about the dynamics of the relationship

BAY-BEH!  I don’t know about you, but some people just don’t get certain perks.  I am (insert chip in mouth) years’ old!  I don’t want someone who is still in a phase of just dating and chilling with no filter.  I need to know where, exactly, you are in your relationship status.  Did you want me here because you saw something that I have that made  you raise your hand to God and give Him a praise, or did I cause an intellectual intrigue?  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I love free meals as much as the next person; however, love is blind, you can’t control what the heart want, fools paradise (I could go on and on with song lyrics–but you catch my drift). I don’t want to feel special just because he makes everyone feel that way.  How many side chicks have found out they were side chicks, or knew they were side chicks, and saw the man living vicariously on WCW with another chick?  The only way to avoid the FaceBook –in your face drama–is to know up front.  Are you Merry-Go-Round dating, or are you on the Ferris Wheel–you are on a bucket with one person looking at the world and the skyline together?  Just a little nugget–I am EVERYONE’S biggest fan.  I treat everyone special.  So, if I treat EVERYONE special, how can you tell if you are REALLY special?  In addition, do you really think you are the ONLY one following the 10-step dating rules to get the man to engage?  If everyone is following the rule, who really gets the man?

Rule 3:  3-5 Days between calls

No man likes a woman to follow after him.  He wants a chance to miss you.  AHAHAHAHAHAH!! BAY-BEH!!  I got ADHD, you go 3-5 days between calls and I will have lost interest.  Let me fill you in on a little secret (shhhh!  Don’t tell anyone.)  I don’t program any man into my phone until after the third or fourth month.  I use old text messages to swipe left to message and swipe right to call.  Until that time, you are a ten-digit-identity place holder.  Thank God for current caller id app on my Samsung!  ALSO, I have a 50 minute – 1 hour drive to and from work.  I go down the list of who I can call and/or text until I get a response to help pass time away.  If you don’t answer, I’m not mad, your name is placed back in rotation–TRUST.  Remember, everyone is special to me, so, when you finally DO get on your 4.5 day and it is time to call me, when I make you feel like I am so excited to hear your voice and talk to you–you feel so special don’t you–but are you?

Rule 4:  No sex before 3 months (black folks) / 6 months (white folks)

Christians, church mothers, deacons, elders and youth, please skip forward to Rule 5.

Sex is VERY IMPORTANT to me.  I am in no mood for my brain to try to convince Lucy that this is the BEST sex EVER!!  I have no poker face.  I will totally lose interest.  Just as men can lose interest if they get “it” too quickly?  I WILL lose interest if the sex is horrible!  I’m sorry, but someone needs to say it!  Men–I am an over achiever.  So, I am not WOWED by the average man.  This is the only exception to my “everyone is special” rule.  I remember one dude couldn’t wait to follow the advice of his uncle “Boy, you got to stand up in it!”  Less than 3-minutes, he was clinching and “standing”–Nig*a sit DOWN!!  We ain’t there yet.  Most people stand to be seen, if your presence is not automatically detected, standing ain’t gonna help.  Men you should know–women have thought like men LONG before Steve Harvey told us to.  Sex is JUST as important to us as it is to you.  Yes, we think about it–ALL the time.  Yes, when we leave a man cooing in fetal position, we call our girls and tell them.

Now, with that all said, if I decide to test the waters before jumping all in–better I do before I jump in and jump right out -frigid, shaking and bitter.

Rule 5:  He MUST be in church

I promise you!  All hubs for Freak Train USA stop in front of the church house.  I have met some of the raunchiest men right at the altar–they were working the altar.  It amazes me how people tend to forget that you are the most vulnerable in your feelings at the church.  Women go there hoping for a good man to meet her there, and men go to church to prowl on women looking for a man.  Men and women are looking for each other and NO one is looking for God.  Deacon SoandSo is in the choir waiting for Missionary Catchall to “Catch the spirit” because when she shouts, her boobs become bobble-heads.  Meanwhile, Missionary Catchall is sitting waiting for her “spirit of opportunity” so that she can show off her new bra accentuating her booble-head boobs (because she knows the “Deac” is watching).

I say–spirituality not religious conform–believe in SOMETHING.  Set a foundation of morals and ethical standards and stick with them.  So, although a man may not break the church doors open every Sunday, this does NOT mean all is lost.

Don’t get me wrong, life MUST have rules.  Everyone must have a set of laws and boundaries set before you allow people in, up and around your life.  However, the only absolute to any rule is that there are no absolutes.  No one should ever fall completely into one category.  Think of this, if you are able to “get a man” by following these simple rules–without any modification–isn’t that telling you that the man isn’t sincere?  He is following a script that can be purchased on any book aisle.  Is that who you want?  Is that the type of man that a man wants to be?  I say.  If I have to play the game to get you, once I do, I’ve won and it’s on to the next game.  I mean, you were the prize, right?  Stop judging men based upon skipped steps–We are all individuals and should be treated as such.  After all, the inability to deviate from the script says more about you than it does someone else.

~Your Sweet Danni J